disease

every thought gives me pains.
so i'll write what i'm listening to instead.

new:
borknagar - quintessence
control denied - the fragile art of existence
cynic - focus (remastered) (!!!!!)
opeth - deliverance
opeth - blackwater park
opeth - my arms, your hearse
(my collection of opeth albums is now full!)
perfect circle - mer de noms
planet x - moon babies
riverside - second life syndrome
tiamat - prey
hieronymus bosch

and i need to write a song. better to say, i need to rewrite it. that one about nuclear winter i wrote last year for my electronic music class. i have some drafts, but they don't make anything. neither the text nor the sound.
i'm crying since early morning.
i forgot what is to hold your hand, and i'm scared.

and now i'm going to draw someone's head and then peel some skin off the drawn head so that part of the skull shows. and hands with poisoned milk in it, and morbid kittens, and cut throats, and fractured skulls of living creatures, and backs skinned to the spinal cords. that's all i can afford.

my little universe has gone to ausflug. new clothes for masquerading.

Party animal's notes

And suddenly there is nothing to write about. Hundreds of events fight for domination in my head. Each thing wants to be described but I send everything away to be drowned in a...kind of milk or cream. It's a fluid, white and a little bit orange sweet milk-like fluid. Not quite happiness but...I suppose it's a deep form of satisfaction.

But I'm so depressed that I'm leaving on Friday. What shall I do in Georgia? Sit my ass on the beach sipping beer like a real Russian man? Raping little girls? Climbing every mountain with Dresden Dolls in my ears - oh not, not Dresden Dolls again, they give me pains and hope. Perhaps the best way will be abstracting myself from everything and flowing like everyone does. The goal abandoned me, so I've torn the connecting wires. To hell with it, I have enough things to do.

Why am I afraid? Maybe I like to be afraid? And I cover this fear with an intense smile. Yesterday I've drawn on a piece of paper the remains of my heart. I'm too open right now, so I cut it out.

<3 thedevilspanties.com

=)))))